Woody Allen (1935)
Manhattan Murder Mystery (6)
I love the rain, It washes the memories off the sidewalk
(Play it agqain,Sam)
in the elevator and it stops; Larry is a world-renowned claustrophobic]
CAROL: Didn't I tell you the police weren't thorough? I mean
they probably thought we were cranks, right? I mean, we got
no body, and...I mean, they
must get fifty crisis calls a minute. Why would they bother
LARRY: I don't know. I just know, this is very deep stuff.
LARRY: We should not be here. I'm scared, this is creepy.
You know what I mean? This goes...this could be...Who knows
who's involved in this? This
could go very deep, Carol. This could be like, you know, like
with the Warren commission, or something. I don't like it.
CAROL: Oh, not the Warren Commission. Oh, my God!
LARRY: Jesus. What is that?
CAROL: Wait a minute. Okay, all right, now look. All right.
The-the elevator's probably stuck.
LARRY: Why are we stopping? Why are we stopping?
CAROL: Relax now, Larry.
LARRY: Don't tell me to relax! I'm-I'm-I'm a-a world-renowned
CAROL: It's okay. It's okay, everything's going to be fine.
LARRY: Stop. Hit something.
CAROL: I am hitting it.
LARRY: I don't like this, I don't, I don't...
CAROL: I know, I know. It's okay.
LARRY: It's easy for you to say, but I can't breath, I'm phobic.
CAROL: The-the idea is, there's plenty of air, in this elevator.
Uh, Larry, relax. Now, if you just don't panic, okay? Don't
panic, all right?
LARRY: I'm not panicking, I'm not panicking, I'm...
CAROL: Now, just don't worry.
LARRY: I'm just going to say the rosary, now.
CAROL: Somebody'll help us. Somebody's gonna help us. Somebody'll
find us here. Hello!
LARRY: Oh, I don't know, I don't like this.
LARRY: Say something. Stop it.
CAROL: Hallo. Hallo!
LARRY: I don't like this.
CAROL: Oh, God, look just...
LARRY: I'm running over a field, I see open meadows. I see
CAROL: Yes, it's...
LARRY: I'm a stallion.
CAROL: Shh. Shut up, Larry.
LARRY: There's-There's a cool breeze passing over me.
CAROL: Larry, just shut up and calm down. Just, okay? You're
gonna be o...
LARRY: I see grass. I see dirt.
CAROL: Larry, shut up! Hallo! Hallo!
LARRY: You know, you said, you said, "Act as a policeman".
CAROL: I know, yeah.
LARRY: I said "No". You said "Pretend to be
a policeman". You said Show him your card.
I said What card.
CAROL: Okay, wait a minute. I know what. Here, just... Larry,
boost me up.
LARRY: You know, I ca...
CAROL: Boost me up, and we'll get out there. We're gonna do
LARRY: I can't get through those things.
CAROL: Yeah. Yes we can. I can do it. I can loosen it.
LARRY: It'll never open, they're painted shut.
CAROL: No, wait. No, Larry.
LARRY: They're-They're... They-They never, they... they never
CAROL: Come on. All right, put your hand together. Come on.
Put your hand together.
LARRY: I'm breathing.
CAROL: No, no, it's okay.
LARRY: I can't breathe. I can't breathe.
LARRY: I can't breathe. I can't breathe.
CAROL: Larry, I mean, it's just... All I have to do is loosen
LARRY: I'm fainting because the-there's...
CAROL: All right, put your hand together. Put you hand together.
Now give me a boost, okay?
LARRY: Oh, Jesus.
CAROL: All right, you ready? Wait a second! Wait, wait!
LARRY: Oh, Jesus, you've got to cut down on those rich desserts.
CAROL: Oh, wait a minute, now! Oh, just wait. Wait, wait.
LARRY: Let's go, my life is passing in front of my eyes. The
worst part of it is, I'm driving a used car.
CAROL: Okay, now you'd think they'd loosen this stupid thing.
LARRY: I'm scared.
CAROL: Oh, my God!
LARRY: Oh, my God. It's her.
CAROL: So that's where he hid her.
LARRY: Oh, Jesus. Claustrophobia and a dead body. This is
a neurotic's jackpot.
CAROL: Oh! Oh, Larry, hold on. I'm scared.
LARRY: We're going down.
CAROL: Oh, God. What's happening?
LARRY: We're going down.
CAROL: Oh, God, press up! Press up!
LARRY: Press up? I can't see my hand. How can I press up?
CAROL: We must be heading for the basement, Larry.
LARRY: The basement. I want to get off in the mezzanine. I'm
returning shoes. It's dark in here.
CAROL: What? What are you doing?
LARRY: Where are you... I'm getting back on the elevator.
I don't care.
CAROL: I don't know where... Larry.
LARRY: I-I can't see anything.
CAROL: There's nothing out there. Wait a minute. What are
you doing? Hey, what are you doing with matches?
LARRY: Th-Th-These are my matches. I got them at...
CAROL: Wait a minute, what... When were you at the Cafè des
LARRY: Look. I got... Yeah, I was with an author. An authoress.
At-at the... At...
CAROL: At the Cafè des Artistes?
LARRY: Yeah, b... A French, a French authoress. An author.
CAROL: Try this way.
LARRY: I like a basement with-with knotty pine and a pool
table. You know, where you can...
CAROL: Hey, look, look, look, look. Uh-huh.
LARRY: What? What?
CAROL: What's this?
LARRY: I... No, wait a minute. Not so fast. I don't like it
here, it's dank.
CAROL: All right.
LARRY: And there's strange noises. I don't know what this
is. I don't know. This... Oh, Jesus!
CAROL: Calm down.
LARRY: Calm down? Don't tell me to calm down.
CAROL: There. Turn the light on.
LARRY: This... Wh-Wh... I-I don't... What do you...
CAROL: Let me see. Where... There. Oh. We're locked in here.
What are you gonna do?
LARRY: Oh, relax, relax, relax. Don't... I'll break it down.
CAROL: Careful, now.
LARRY: Don't worry. Just-Just give me a second.
CAROL: Don't hurt yourself.
LARRY: Must be one of those new doors.
CAROL: Let's try out here.
LARRY: Oh, my god. I keep hearing noises.
CAROL: Oh. What's down there?
LARRY: Where? Where you... Where are you going? Don't leave
CAROL: Let me see. It's okay. What? Oh! Yeah. I think this
is it. I think this is the service entrance.
LARRY: Well, come on.
CAROL: I'm trying.
LARRY: Come on, get it open.
CAROL: I got it. I got it.
LARRY: Go into a trot.
[In the street]
CAROL: Wait! Wait! Did you see that?
CAROL: It looks like somebody's putting a body into a car.
CAROL: I swear. Look. It's got a white sheet on it.
CAROL: Right... Yeah. Come on.
LARRY: It is. Oh, brother. Let's-Let's-Let's get out of here. Let's get out
CAROL: Oh, my god. Wait. No, look! Let's-Let's follow him. Come on.
LARRY: No, no, no, no.
CAROL: Yeah, no. Come on.
LARRY: I'm not going to follow. I'm not gonna... I don't wanna follow him.
CAROL: No, let's follow it. I swear, there was a body in that car.
LARRY: I know, I saw that there was a...
LARRY: I don't wanna follow a car with a body in it.
CAROL: Come on, hurry up. Hurry up!
LARRY: It's-It's probably-It's probably a rented car.
CAROL: There! Oh!
LARRY: And a rented body.
CAROL: Hurry up. Come on.
[Driving over Brooklyn bridge]
LARRY: Oh, Jesus. I-I can't c... I can't follow his car.
CAROL: Well, he's right up ahead. He's right there.
LARRY: Where, up ahead? I don't know which car I'm following here. I... You
know, I'm not a good driver. I can't chase somebody in a car. I'm gonna
have an accident. I'm, you know, I'll-I'll-I'll wind up hitting a school bus
CAROL: Look, it's nighttime. There's no school buses at night-time.
LARRY: Don't tell me that. What about night school? You have no sense of direction.
CAROL: Well, not exactly. Twenty-twenty vision.
LARRY: You have no sense of direction.
CAROL: Not exactly. But anyway... No, I do have a sense of direction. He came
LARRY: Where the hell are we? What is this?
CAROL: I-I don't know why here.
LARRY: I don't know, but...
CAROL: There it is!
CAROL: There's his car. Right there.
LARRY: How do you know it's his car?
CAROL: That's his car.
LARRY: Oh, it is his car.
CAROL: It is his.
LARRY: Yes. Yes. Yes.
CAROL: Well, of course.
LARRY: Okay, let me turn the light off. Be careful, be careful, be careful.
CAROL: Look, look!
LARRY: Oh, my god! It's Mrs. House's body! Come on! We gotta stop it before
it gets dropped.
CAROL: Oh, my God.
LARRY: Good bye, Mrs. House. That was Mr. House! That was definitely Mr. House.
CAROL: What are we gonna do?
LARRY: I'm gonna call the Police, now.
CAROL: Oh, Larry, and tell them what?
LARRY: And get them...
CAROL: I mean, this guy...
LARRY: What are we...
CAROL: You know, he's got proof his wife died of a heart attack two weeks ago.
We've got no body. We've got nothing, Larry.
[In the street]
CAROL: What? What? What's wrong? What? Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
PAUL: Hallo, there.
PAUL: How are you?
CAROL: H-How are you?
PAUL: May I introduce Gladys Dalton, my gal Friday?
CAROL: Mrs. D... How are you? Nice to see you.
PAUL: This is Larry and Carol, my neighbors.
GLADYS: Nice to see you.
PAUL: We were just watching Madame Bovary. Wonderful.
GLADYS: Such a sad story.
CAROL: Yeah, it is. We, you know...
LARRY: She-She-She gets cremated. She gets killed at the end.
PAUL: Yeah. Listen you gotta stop up for a drink before I go on my trip.
CAROL: Love to.
PAUL: See you later.
CAROL: See you later.
PAUL: Oh, incidentally, if you hear of anybody who needs an apartment, I think
i may be moving.
CAROL: Oh, well, it...
PAUL: See you later. Come on, Gladys.
CAROL: What a shame.
PAUL: Good night.
CAROL: Good night.
[Larry and Carol are talking in bed]
LARRY: Oh, Jesus. What a day, huh? I can't figure it out. It's got to be that
either he's a...
LARRY: Either she's a twin, or he's a twin.
CAROL: He... He...
LARRY: Or they're multiple personalities, or you're a twin or I'm a twin. [She
laughs] Because I don't know what's going on.
CAROL: You're nuts.
LARRY: You know, look.
CAROL: Wait, wait, yeah.
LARRY: Let me be logical about this.
CAROL: Okay, she's not a twin. We know she's not a twin.
CAROL: What are you talking about, Larry?
LARRY: Stay calm. I want to try and puzzle this out.
CAROL: I'm calm, Larry. Okay, but okay, she's a twin, she's not a twin. I mean,
now you're saying we are twins? What are you, nuts? Okay, I'm calm. I'm
LARRY: Yeah, I'm going to be logical.
CAROL: All right, all right.
LARRY: The, um, the first thing is this. We came home that night. There had
been a heart attack. Uh, what if they induced it? You know, some kind of
poison. We never saw the body. You know, it had to be some other woman. You
know, some-some woman who probably had some kind of ballpark
resemblance to Mrs. House. The super says he saw her, but, uh, he's a drunk,
you know. Mrs. House could have been hiding. But you-you remember
that you heard a noise that night. That had to be Mrs. House leaving to check
into the hotel.
CAROL: Yeah. Yeah. Well...
LARRY: I can't sleep. I just, I...
CAROL: No, wait a minute, wait.
LARRY: I'm too, you know... I'm too...
CAROL: But it doesn't make any sense at all, Larry, because suddenly, you know,
he murders her. I mean, what's it all about?
LARRY: Let me, let me call Vincent's restaurant in New Jersey... and why don't
we go meet Ted and Marcia and get something to eat, and talk with
CAROL: Wait a minute. At one in the morning? What are you talking about? You
mean... You wanna...
LAYY: Yeah, so what? So what? It's so, you know, Ted-Ted was taking her to a
show and to-to-to dinner... so they'll be there.
CAROL: All the way out to New Jersey...
LARRY: So, hey, kid, this is the apple. This is the town that never sleeps.
That's why we don't live in Duluth. That, plus I don't know where Duluth is.
TED: Uh, you really saw his face? You saw, you saw what he looked like? No question.
You know exactly who it is.
CAROL: Yes. Oh, yes, I'm here to tell you...
LARRY: Oh, no question about it. It was-It was Mr. House. There was no... Not
a, not a question. I mean, you could see him because, uh, you know,
there was-there was just no way that you could avoid it. He was right there.
MARCIA: To me, it's obvious.
LARRY: Wh... How do you see it?
TED: How obvious? What do you mean?
MARCIA: Obvious he's committed the perfect murder.
LARRY: What do you mean?
TED: What? How? What do you mean?
MARCIA: Okay, look. You have to start off with another woman who bears some
ballpark resemblance to Mrs. House.
LARRY: That's what I said. That's exac... I used the term ballpark resemblance
CAROL: I know. You used the term, right.
LARRY: It was my idea. I said what she said.
MARCIA: They're with this woman.
MARCIA: Maybe having dinner. They don't induce a heart attack, cause that's
fiction bullshit. She has a heart attack. She drops dead spontaneously.
They had no thought of killing her. Maybe they wished she was dead.
MARCIA: I don't know. Maybe they stood to gain if she died. They see a golden
opportunity. Mrs. House dresses her up in her clothes. She hides.
LARRY: This is my theory. Exactly my theory.
MARCIA: That's right. She checks into a hotel.
CAROL: Yeah, well, we got that far, with the exception of the actual spontaneous
MARCIA: Okay, you know the husband's planning to go to Paris with this pretty
MARCIA: He's cheating on his wife.
MARCIA: So, instead of finishing the schema they planned, he double-crosses
her and kills her, taking her share of the profits.
TED: Well, you think, you think Helen Moss is in on this, too, huh?
MARCIA: Yeah, a good chance she's aware.
CAROL: Okay, but what about Mrs. Dalton? He claims he took her to the movies.
MARCIA: She's his alibi. She covered for him when he strangled his wife. She
said he was at work all day.
LARRY: That's right, 'cause he introduced her as a colleague.
TED: Wait, why---Why would she...
MARCIA: She's a colleague who maybe loves him.
TED: Oh, wait, wait. He's cheating on her, too.
LARRY: Cheating on two women?
TED: Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's perfect. Just, it all fits.
LARRY: The guy doesn't look the part.
MARCIA: The point is, he's gotten away with the perfect murder. There are no
bodies around to prove anything. And all the paperwork is strictly above
board. He's home free.
TED: Oh, my... Oh, where did you find this woman? She's a genius.
LARRY: She's brilliant. She's brilliant. But the guy... He knows that we know,
so if he knows we're on him.
MARCIA: Well, he doesn't care. Why should he? Everything's been neatly disposed
of. He's home free. Only he, and maybe his mistress, know the truth.
CAROL: Well, j...
LARRY: She's right, there's no body.
CAROL: Hold on, hold on, for a second. We don't know this is all true. This
is just a theory.
LARRY: Yeah, but it's a great theory. Have you been paying attention? This is
a great theory.
TED: Oh, yeah. It sounds good, it holds water. Everything fits together in this.
CAROL: I am paying attention.
LARRY: I think it's great.
MARCIA: When I come back from the ladies room, I'll tell you how to trap him.
LARRY: Oh, excuse me.
TED: Where-Where did you find her? She's-She's-She's really something.
LARRY: Her mind, it just goes.
TED: Yeah, she's got one idea after another. It's like one thing leads to another.
CAROL: I'm surprised you two didn't drool yourself to death.
TED: Oh, I thought we just had a nice first date. That's...
LARRY: I knew that they would hit it off.
CAROL: Why? Uh-huh. Yeah. Him.
LARRY: I-I-I knew this.
CAROL: Yeah, uh-huh. What about you? You were gonna jump into her lap. I saw
LARRY: What are you talking about?
LARRY: I'm, I'm, huh, what's wrong with you? I'm her editor. I'm-I'm a father
figure to her, how...
CAROL: Yeah, the only thing you didn't do is rub your hands together. That was
LARRY: You gotta be joking. What... are you telling me that you're jealous of
CAROL: I... Well. It's not that I'm jealous.
TED: Kids, kids. People, what are we doing, here?
CAROL: Yeah, look who's talking. My God, I mean, you kept staring into her eyes
like she was the Dragon Lady, or something.
LARRY: What'd wrong with you? You're jealous because he's-he's interested in
TED: I'm interested in her theory. What... I don't... What are you...
CAROL: Well, I'd just like to know if you take all your-your authors to lunch
at the Cafè des...
MARCIA: Okay, I've got it. Here's the story. Since he's gotten away with it,
all we can do is bluff. As long as we have no body, we have no case.
TED: What... What do you mean? What do we... We pretend that he slipped up,
and the molten steel didn't do the job? What-What do you mean?
MARCIA: Yeah, it's possible. He saw you there, he knows you're onto him. After
he ran away, why couldn't you have retrieved the body?
LARRY: You're kidding. I... We couldn't have gotten her outta that. We... I
would have wound up with a few toes and a shoulder, maybe, at most.
MARCIA: Well, that's... Okay, okay, you have the body. What does he know? He
was probably too scared to be very lucid. He's an amateur. He dumped
the body and ran off, and then somehow - who knows the details, you two dug
her out. Now, you can send him to the chair.
CAROL: Okay, okay, just...
TED: I like this woman, she's lurid.
CAROL: Let me tell you why he's not going to believe us, okay?
LARRY: Yeah, first of all, 'cause I can't, I can't bluff or lie without giggling,
CAROL: Yeah. No, because if we really had the body, why tell him? Why not go
straight to the Police?
MARCIA: If you tell the cops, you can't shake him down.
TED: Oh, she's wicked. Oh, I-look... look how, look how this works out. You
go to the law, what do you gain? I mean, so-so maybe they, you know, they
put him in jail. What have you got? You haven't got anything.
TED: But if he wants the evidence, and he's got to pay for it, now... Okay,
now he's nervous, right?
CAROL: Yeah, you know, wait. There's just so many fallacies in this, I can't
even count them.
TED: What? Name one.
CAROL: Name one? Okay, the guy looks us straight in the eyes and says, "What
body? What the hell are you talking about? Prove it."
MARCIA: Well, that's when we keep bluffing.
TED: What? How? What do we do?
MARCIA: We produce the body.
LARRY: Yeah, but where are you gonna get it. Madame Tussaud's?
MARCIA: Yeah. Say-Say we found someone to corroborate this story.
CAROL: Oh, really. J-Just...
MARCIA: Someone he trusted.
CAROL: Like who?
MARCIA: Like his lover. Say she called and said, Paul, I've just seen
Lillian's body. They want a hundred thousand dollars for it."
TED: Why-Why would she do that?
MARCIA: Remember that book you recommended to me? Murder in Manhattan?
LARRY: Oh, yes. Max Schindler's book. That's right, the phone call.
CAROL: I don't remember that book.
LARRY: This is perfect.
CAROL: You never mentioned that book to me.
LARRY: No, no. Cause you don't like light reading, so I never...
CAROL: Since when did I not like light reading, Larry?
TED: I don't know... I don't know this book. What is this book?
LARRY: This book. That's fantastic! It would be so perfect because s-she's a,
she's a-an, actress, or would-be actress, anyhow, and you're-you-re... Jeez,
we could use his theatre. He's a playwright. This is so perfect. Your theatre
is empty all the time, anyhow.
CAROL: Oh, God.
TED: Oh, yeah, thank you. That's great. What-What are we talking about here?
What-What do you mean? What-What is this?
LARRY: Listen to this. What you do is, we get her in for a fake audition, and
you write some lines that don't mean anything.
LARRY: And she does them, and she doesn't know what she's doing and we tape-record
qu'on fait n'est jamais compris mais seulement loué ou blâmé.
Nietzsche, Gay Science