Woody Allen (1935)
Manhattan Murder Mystery (5)
I love the rain, It washes the memories off the sidewalk
(Play it agqain,Sam)
[Now Carol and Larry are waiting outside the Hotel Waldron
CAROL: So, you bored? I mean...
LARRY: Well, it's more fun than the Wagner opera.
CAROL: Yeah. Well, to me, I mean, just...I mean, it's just
one of the most exciting adventures I've ever been on.
LARRY: Would you rather be here with Ted?
CAROL: Well-Well, he has a more enthused attitude, Larry.
LARRY: More enthused?
CAROL: Yeah, enthused, yeah.
LARRY: Well, he's a fun guy. He's a light guy, I'm a heavy
CAROL: Well, I...
LARRY: You know, Ted-Ted would be fun on a scavenger hunt.
CAROL: No, look. I...Larry, you used to be a lot of fun.
LARRY: You know, he's the guy you want if you have a really
heavy scavenger hunt. He's the man.
CAROL: I know, well, but, y-you know. You used to...
LARRY: Do you know that this neighborhood was where I first
took you out on a date when we-we first started going out.
CAROL: What? I don't know. I don't know. Just for some reason,
you've gotten so stodgy in your old age, you know?
LARRY: Hey, you remember there was a movie house right on
CAROL: No, I know. Yes! Yeah, I remember.
LARRY: Not to change the subject.
CAROL: You know, I...
LARRY: I took you to see Last year at Marienbad
on our first date?
CAROL: Yeah, I know. I had to explain it to you for the next
LARRY: Who knew they were flashbacks? You know.
CAROL: Look, Larry. Look. We've got plenty of time to be conservative.
You know what I'm saying? Don't you see? It's to me, it's
tantalizing plum has just, like dropped into our laps. I mean,
life is just such a dull routine and here we are, right? I
mean, we're on the threshold of a
genuine mystery. I mean, to me, the whole thing is like. It's...Hey,
LARRY: Are you gonna burst into a song, here? We're in a car.
CAROL: Just don't make fun of me, okay? Because I'm open to
LARRY: Let me ask you a personal question, here.
LARRY: Did you ever sleep with Ted?
LARRY: Don't get nervous. Yeah. Yeah, you guys...
CAROL: What, are you nuts?
LARRY: We were on an eating tour of France, together.
LARRY: You two guys spent an evening, you know, together.
CAROL: Yeah, right. We sp...
LARRY: At that place, you know.
CAROL: I know...Yeah, but what about you? Remember? You spent
the evening with Julie. Am I right? You spent the night, and
LARRY: That meant absolutely nothing. She hated me. Julie
LARRY: You know that. She-She thought I was a low-life and
a wimp and a vermin and a roach. Just-Just jump in anytime
you want to defend me, you
CAROL: Hey, I mean, I'm waiting for you to say something I
don't agree with, okay?
LARRY: Ho-ho! Hey, you're nailing me. Jesus.
[They then see Mrs. House walk in to the Hotel Waldron.]
CAROL: Oh. Larry.
CAROL: Larry, Larry, look. It's her! I'd say it's her!
LARRY: Oh my god, it is.
CAROL: Yeah. You see what I mean? See, so I was right all
along, wasn't I?
LARRY: Can you...Are you sure? Are you sure?
CAROL: I'm positive. Yes.
LARRY: Oh, my God.
CAROL: Right? Right? I mean, I was...
LARRY: I'm...Jesus, I'm sh...
CAROL: I know. W-Well. Come on.
LARRY: That is her. Are you...
CAROL: Yeah. I know.
LARRY: I told you so.
CAROL: What do you mean, you told me so? What are you talking
about? You're nuts, honey.
LARRY: Oh, Jesus. I'm flabbergasted.
CAROL: Yeah. No, look. You're white. You're completely white.
LARRY: I know. All the blood rushed to my brother.
LARRY: I don't know what to do.
CAROL: Let's go. Let's get out there. Let's find out what's
LARRY: No, I don't want to.
CAROL: Oh, come on. Y-You're not afraid of her, are you?
LARRY: No, I'm not afraid.
CAROL: You're not afraid of Mrs. House.
LARRY: She's an old woman and I'm a virile male.
CAROL: I know.
LARRY: And yet somehow I am scared. I don't know why. Maybe
because she's dead. You know?
CAROL: Let's go. You know, I tell you, I'm gonna break this
thing wide open.
LARRY: Well, how? What do you want to do?
CAROL: I'm...You know, I'm...God, if only Ted were here with
us now. You know what I'm saying?
LARRY: Oh, don't give me Ted! Wh...Let's...Let's...Wh...Let's
get out of here.
CAROL: No, wait. I got an idea.
CAROL: I know what we should do. We should get a gift, right?
CAROL: We'll surprise her. We'll sneak into the hotel. Come
LARRY: How? How?
CAROL: Yeah, no. Come on.
CAROL: Uh, excuse me. Hi.
HOTEL DAY CLERK: Hi.
CAROL: Um, we were just wondering. Uh, did you see a woman
come in? She was, uh, she was a little woman, about five foot
three? She had on a gray
HOTEL DAY CLERK: Older woman?
LARRY: And came in with a-with a canvas bag, and an umbrella.
CAROL: Slightly older. Not...
HOTEL DAY CLERK: Mrs.Caine?
LARRY: Mrs. Caine?
CAROL: Mrs. Caine. Oh, yes. Uh-huh. That's her.
LARRY: Mrs. Caine. Uh-huh.
LARRY: We-We had a present for her. We're friends. We-We wanted
to surprise her, cause it's her birthday, so-so...
HOTEL DAY CLERK: Oh.
CAROL: Yes, that's right. What room?
HOTEL DAY CLERK: Uh, six-eleven.
CAROL: Six-eleven. Really, thanks a lot.
HOTEL DAY CLERK: Okay. Sure.
LARRY: Yeah, we-we may need some information, while we're
here, so-so, we just want you to know...I'll take very good
care of you, if you play ball
with us. What are you making that face for? He's the father
of our country.
CAROL: Will you come on?
LARRY: I'm coming, I'm coming.
CAROL: Come on. What're you doing?
[In the hallway]
CAROL: Okay. Um, six-eleven. Six-oh-seven.
LARRY: Huh. Very nice. I love a hotel that's got lots of blue
powder sprinkled along the baseboard.
CAROL: Six-eleven. Here, Larry. All right. Um, Mrs. House?
Mrs. House? M-Mrs. House?
CAROL: Hallo? Mrs. Hou...
[They enter the room]
LARRY: I don't...I don't...
CAROL: My God, I don't...
LARRY: I don't think she's...
CAROL: I don't see her.
LARRY: This may not be the right-right place.
CAROL: Just hold on, Larry. Hold on, hold on, hold on.
LARRY: There's nothing here.
LARRY: What's the matter?
CAROL: Oh, my God! Wait a minute!
LARRY: Oh, Jesus.
CAROL: Oh, my God, look! Mrs. House? Mrs. House.
LARRY: What's the matter?
CAROL: Mrs...Oh, Larry.
LARRY: What? What-What's...
CAROL: I think she's dead.
LARRY: Dead? T-T-Try-Try giving her the present.
CAROL: Yeah. Oh, my God. Mrs. House? Mrs. House?
LARRY: Oh, come on! Let's get out of here!
CAROL: I think that's it, Larry. I think she's dead!
LARRY: Come on.
CAROL: Oh, my God.
LARRY: I'm thinking of running the Boston marathon.
CAROL: Oh, God. Okay, oh God.
LARRY: This woman is forever dying. Come on, come on. Move,
move. Adrenaline is leaking out of my ears. Get down those
CAROL: Okay, all right.
LARRY: Come on, come on. Quickly.
[The police come and Larry and Carol talk at them a mile a
minute. In the middle of explaining all that's happened, they
lose their train of
CAROL: And then, you see, what happened was I suspected Mr.
House, right? He's a...He runs a movie house. But-But then
what hap...We're sit...I saw
her on this bus, right? And... And she has... no ... at all.
Then we checked anyway. So we were just sitting there, just
LARRY: We-We-We were there. She-She was very nervous. So-So
we were going to the movies, and, and, and we were walking
and looking around the
place. And then suddenly she's a... Her hand is on the floor.
You could see it on the side of the bed. She was lying there,
she was sort of...like blue in
the face. The girl was nervous. I tried to keep calm, as best
as I could.
POLICE OFFICER: There's nobody up there.
CAROL: There's what?
LARRY: What do you mean, there's nobody up...
POLICE OFFICER: There's nobody.
CAROL: Wait a minute, wait...
POLICE OFFICER: There's no body there.
CAROL: We-We saw...
LARRY: We just saw her there. She's lying on the floor.
POLICE OFFICER: Mike, check the basement with...
LARRY: She was totally dead.
CAROL: We...She's there.
LARRY: Wait, wait.
[In the hotel room]
CAROL: She was right here. She was lying, like, right this-a-way.
LARRY: Yeah, she was definitely laying here.
CAROL: Because, I mean, she was, she was there, do you understand?
LARRY: The...Y-Yes. She was...It looked like she was strangled, or something.
Not-Not that I'm an expert on violent death, cause I wouldn't know.
CAROL: We're-We're two professional people.
LARRY: Right, I'm a...I-I work at Harper's.
LARRY: I'm in publishing.
CAROL: Yeah, that's right, and I'm-I'm looking to start a little restaurant,
basically French, although international cuisine would be fine. Not that I really
have a location...
LARRY: Right, she's a fantastic cook. But, uh, I'm against the restaurant, myself,
but-but she's a wonderful cook.
POLICE OFFICER: Calm down. Calm down! Please!
CAROL: Okay, just...
LARRY: Look, obviously what happened is, in the time it took you guys to respond...somebody
came here and removed the body. Not that you didn't
respond quickly, you know, you were here fast. It took-took you three minutes,
not-not-not counting the half-hour that the operator 911 took to
understand what I was saying.
POLICE OFFICER: Nobody is doubting you, okay? We're going over the whole building,
CAROL: All right.
[In the street]
CAROL: Uh, did you check...
POLICE OFFICER: Mr. House, he's been at his place of business all day.
LARRY: Any witnesses?
CAROL: Yeah, b...
POLICE OFFICER: Uh-huh, backed up and corroborated.
CAROL: Yeah, but you didn't use our names, or anything like that, did you?
POLICE OFFICER: No, we didn't.
CAROL: No, okay.
POLICE OFFICER: I don't know. If you think you saw his wife, shouldn't you tell
CAROL: No, I'm...No, I mean, he's in some sort of scheme, here. It's...
POLICE OFFICER: We think you should calm down and file a report.
CAROL: It's not...Oh.
POLICE OFFICER: This way, if anything turns up, we got it on record.
CAROL: All right.
POLICE OFFICER: Take a card, give us a call, have a good day.
CAROL: Thank you. Thanks very much.
POLICE OFFICER: Bye-bye.
CAROL: Thanks very much. Oh, man, I don't know how we're gonna...
LARRY: Jesus, I gotta have a drink. I gotta calm myself. I need fourteen Zanacks
CAROL: Where is Ted? I just don't understand where Ted is. I mean, you know,
all this stuff is happening.
LARRY: Ted? Ted-Ted's, you know, he's got his date with Marcia Fox tonight.
He's probably out buying some Spanish Fly.
CAROL: Do you think Helen Moss might be in on this?
LARRY: Helen? I don't know and...
CAROL: I think so.
LARRY: I don't want to know about this. I think we should change our lives.
CAROL: No, think about it.
LARRY: We should move out of that stupid apartment, you know. You know, start
over maybe in Mexico.
CAROL: No, no, no.
LARRY: You know, sell blankets. We'll work off the hood of a car or something.
[At a cafeteria]
CAROL: I'm just beginning to calm down.
LARRY: I'm telling you, I didn't know what's happening. It was like one of those
television shows, where you open the door, and you see a-a dead body.
You know, I always hated those shows.
CAROL: Yeah. You know, I've never seen a dead person before in my whole life.
LARRY: I...The only one I ever saw was my uncle Morris, who was ninety-four
LARRY: He collapsed from too many lumps in his cereals.
CAROL: Larry, is this the most exciting thing that's ever happened to us in
our whole marriage?
LARRY: This is too exciting. I don't need this. You know, I like something quiet...like
a fishing trip, a Father's day, you know, or, the time we saw Bing
Crosby walking on 5th avenue. You know, I don't need a murder to enliven my
life at all.
CAROL: You know, whoever did it was probably still in the room while we were
there. Probably hiding in the closet.
LARRY: Make sure and tell me that just before I go to sleep, tonight. That'll
be good for me.
CAROL: But you know, that probably means he saw us.
LARRY: Great, I'll never get my eyes closed. You know, I mean, what do you want
me to do? I'm petrified. Not only that, but I'm a little drunk.
CAROL: I wonder who was cremated. Who was it?
LARRY: Well, it was...Well...You know, obviously, it wasn't Mr. House, 'cause
he has an alibi.
CAROL: Well, yeah, but I don't buy that.
LARRY: She doesn't buy that. She doesn't buy the alibi. Let's get out of here.
I want to go home.
[In the street]
LARRY: Jesus, it's starting to rain again. Can you believe that?
CAROL: Oh, God. If only Ted were with us, he'd have a million theories about
this, I'll tell you that.
LARRY: Yeah, I know. I know. Ted's got a mind like a steel sieve.
CAROL: Oh, right.
LARRY: You know what I think? I think it's possible. That hotel room was on
the, on the ext...That end of the hall.
CAROL: What? Yeah?
LARRY: It's right up there. That's the room.
CAROL: I know.
LARRY: Well, what if they got the body out over that little roof? You know,
that would be a possibility. Why would...
CAROL: What are the lights...
LARRY: Oh, Jesus.
CAROL: Larry, the lights!
LARRY: Yeah, that's eerie, isn't it?
CAROL: My God. This gave me chills, Larry.
LARRY: Yeah, well, let's call the police.
CAROL: I mean...Oh, no, no, no. Come on. Let's go over there now. Let's check
it out. Come on. We don't have time.
LARRY: Check it out?
LARRY: What, are you nuts? No, I'm not gonna check that out.
CAROL: No, but look at it, Larry. Look at that. There's lights going on, there.
LARRY: Yeah, I know, I know. That's crazy. Look, look. Why don't we go home
and nap, and we'll call the police, and they can check it out while we're
home in the...?
CAROL: Oh, no, the police are red tape. Come on. This is my case, honey.
LARRY: What do you mean, it's your case?
CAROL: Yes, it's my case.
LARRY: Hey, come here. I don't want to do this.
CAROL: No, come on.
CAROL: Oh, God. If only Ted were with us.
LARRY: Hey, don't give me Ted. Ted would be shaking in his boots.
CAROL: Ted...Oh, God.
LARRY: I'm at least just trembling like a leaf.
CAROL: Um, excuse me. We're with the Police department. We'd like to, uh, check
out room, uh, six-eleven, please?
HOTEL NIGHT CLERK: You were here before.
CAROL: Uh, that's right. Yes. Mm-hm. Yeah.
HOTEL NIGHT CLERK: You are Police?
CAROL: Ee...Ooh, um, just, uh-uh...Show him your card.
LARRY: My what?
CAROL: Your-Your card. Your-Your Police identification card.
LARRY: Yeah, I-I...
CAROL: Your card, you know. Your card. He's got his card. Yeah. See?
HOTEL NIGHT CLERK: Okay.
CAROL: Thank you very much. Six-eleven? Okay. Great.
HOTEL NIGHT CLERK: Is there any trouble?
LARRY: No, no, no, no, no. I-m-I'm-I'm-I'm j...I'm-I'm ju...um...I'm a detective.
They-They-They lowered the height requirements, so I...I'll take this
card back. They-re, they're...
CAROL: Come on.
[Entering the room.]
LARRY: Be careful.
CAROL: Telling me to be careful. Now, just don't upset anything. Okay, Larry?
LARRY: I'm not upsetting anything. I just, you know, I'm just gonna leave a-a
set of fingerprints around, so if there's a trial, we can get trapped.
CAROL: All right, now look. The murderer must have, like, hid in this closet,
LARRY: I don't like this.
CAROL: Right, and then he must have...
LARRY: Let's go. You know, I've got to get up early tomorrow. I've got to be
CAROL: Okay, he must have dragged the b...The body out, really fast. What?
[Larry gets ready to hit whoever comes through the hotel room door over the
head with a lamp. It turns out to be the cleaning lady]
CLEANING LADY: Oh, Jesus! What...
LARRY: I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I'm...Didn't mea...I-I, oh, it's-It's-It's a...
CAROL: Oh, hi.
LARRY: You don't have to turn the bed out. It's not necessary. And no-no-no
croissants tomorrow for breakfast. Here, here. Here, take this for yourself.
like the towels. Keep the little mints coming on the pillow, uh...
CAROL: Oh, Jesus. Larry. I mean, really.
LARRY: Let's go. That's why the light was on. This is crazy, we're gonna get
CAROL: Just a second, Larry. Let me just look around here, just a little bit.
LARRY: Oh, look. I did damage. I...Now. I'll be sued.
LARRY: That's what?
CAROL: Larry, look. Look. I thinks that's her wedding band, Larry.
LARRY: How do you know?
CAROL: How do I know? I saw it on her.
LARRY: You did?
CAROL: I think so.
LARRY: So much for the police combing every inch of this place. Where did you
CAROL: I found it behind the door, right there.
LARRY: Oh, brother. Let's get out of here, come on. And take the ring with you.
Maybe there's a pawnshop open.
CAROL: Okay. Okay.
qu'on fait n'est jamais compris mais seulement loué ou blâmé.
Nietzsche, Gay Science