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Woody Allen (1935)
Manhattan Murder Mystery (4)
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You think you're God! (audio)

[House's apartment]
CAROL: Oh, damn it.
LARRY: Don't do this. We should be asleep, now, in one of our many cuddling positions.
CAROL: Please, stop it, will you? Please, be quiet, Larry.
LARRY: This is wrong.
CAROL: Be quiet. You're gonna wake up the neighbors, okay? Okay, I got it. I got it.
LARRY: This is no good. I promise you, this could only lead to great unhappiness.
CAROL: Listen, Larry...Relax, okay?
LARRY: Pl...I can't relax. How can I relax? I'm in a strange man's apartment in my, in my T-shirt and-and pajamas.
CAROL: Oh, don't worry about it. All right, now Ted told me to try something here...Yeah.

LARRY: What do you mean, Ted told you? Who...Ted? Ted? What is he, your mentor?
CAROL: Um, “Last number dialed”.
LARRY: Ted is a sick schmuck. He's-He's home, and we're in...
CAROL: Just be quiet for a second, all right?
LARRY: I mean, I'm...What if he comes back? I'm...My heart is....
CAROL: Larry.
VOICE: Waldron.
CAROL: Uh, who?
VOICE: Who is this? Who do you want?
CAROL: Um, who's this? [To Larry.] Do you know anybody named Waldron? Waldron?
LARRY: Hang the phone up.
CAROL: Just be quiet. Okay, wait.
LARRY: Hang the phone up, now.
CAROL: Oh, great. Now they-they hung up on us.
LARRY: Good, good.
CAROL: Oh, great.
LARRY: Let's get out. I wanna go home. I want to go back to bed.
CAROL: No, just let me think for a second, now. Waldron, right? Helen Moss. Okay. He used the name Tom, right? So, Tom Waldron. We gotta run a
check on that.
LARRY: Run a check on it? What, do you want to beat it down to the morgue? You got all the jargon.
CAROL: Come on.
LARRY: Where are you going?
CAROL: Right.
LARRY: I'm not a night person. I don't wanna be...What are you...I don't know what I'm looking for.
CAROL: Oh, oh, wait. Look.
LARRY: What? What do you wanna do, go through the guy's mail? This is insane.
CAROL: What do you mean?
LARRY: Oh, my...Jesus. Oh, Christ!
CAROL: What are you do...Well, just...Clean it up, Larry. Clean it up.
LARRY: What do you mean, clean it up? What am I gonna do, vacuum?
CAROL Put it under the rug, or something like that, okay?
LARRY: I can't. It's a wall-to-wall carpet. I broke his-his-his-his...porcelain...
CAROL: Well then glue it. Glue it back to...
LARRY: What do you mean, glue it? What are you talking about?
CAROL: Oh, look. Look.
LARRY: What?
CAROL: Look.
LARRY: So what? Gloves. I have gloves. They keep my fingers warm.
CAROL: So? I know. I know, but you keep yours out on the bureau in this kind of weather? Uh?
LARRY: Let's get out of here, because this is a...
CAROL: I think something's very strange, here. I mean, he left these out and ready. I think the whole thing is really sinister.
LARRY: It's eye of the beholder. What you have...you've got to go to the eye doctor, get happy glasses.
CAROL: What?
LARRY: Look, I'm gonna take the pieces with us, and we'll-we'll get rid of them.

[At Twenty-One Club]
CAROL: So, how did you like your birthday cake, Nick?
NICK: I loved it, I...
CAROL: I know.
NICK: I loved...But then again, I love chocolate anything, so...
CAROL: I know.
LARRY: Right.
CAROL: I know. What-What-What are you laughing about?
NICK: Well, I...
LARRY: If only he could stay in town-If only could stay in town just a couple of more hours.
NICK: I know. I was going to, but I...
CAROL: Well, what about that?
NICK: They're working us so hard at school. I can't.
NICK: I gotta get right back.
CAROL: Really.
LARRY: I'm gonna take him to Brooks Brothers for his present. And-And-And, uh...
NICK: Brooks Brothers. Yeah.
LARRY: Your mother's going to a wine-tasting.
CAROL: You're going to get something from Brooks Brothers?
NICK: Yeah. A sweater.
LARRY: She's going to a wine-tasting. Can you believe that?
CAROL: Well, if I'm going to be a restaurant owner, I should know something about wines. Don't you...Larry?
LARRY: Hi. Hey, I want you to meet somebody.
CAROL: What?
LARRY: I want you to meet somebody. This is, this is...
MARCIA: Hi, Larry.
LARRY: Hi. How are you?
MARCIA: Good. How are you doing?
LARRY: This is my wife.
CAROL: Honey, I'm here. I'm right o...
LARRY: You snuck around.
CAROL: Carol. Remember me?
LARRY: Yeah. This is Marcia Fox.
CAROL: Oh, hi.
LARRY: My son Nick. He's in town on, uh...
MARCIA: Good to see you.
LARRY: It's his birthday, so we took him to Twenty-One.
NICK: Nick. How are you doing?
LARRY: It's a tradition we have in the family.
MARCIA: That's great. Oh, your friend called me. He's taking me to dinner in New Jersey next week. Some mafia joint.
LARRY: Oh, I fixed her up with Ted. He's going to take her...
CAROL: Oh, you did.
LARRY: Yeah. That place that we ate at.
CAROL: Well, very nice. That's lovely.
LARRY: He's a lot of fun. You'll have a very good time.
MARCIA: Great. Great.
LARRY: That's great. So.
MARCIA: Well, good to see you. Good to see you.
CAROL: Okay, you too.
MARCIA: Take care.
CAROL: Goodbye.
LARRY: Oh, it's great. She'll have a great time.
CAROL: So, that's Marcia Fox, huh?
LARRY: S-So, what are you making a face for? She's great.
CAROL: Well, do you think she's Ted's type? Is that...
LARRY: Ted's type?
CAROL: Yeah.
LARRY: She's anybody's type. She's brilliant, she's talented. Yeah. I gave you...
CAROL: Thank you.
LARRY: You get your bag.
CAROL: You know, your pupils are dilating.
LARRY: No, she's dangerously sexual.
CAROL: I just wanted to tell you that.
LARRY: Let me tell you...Listen, when you go to the wine-tasting, honey...
CAROL: I see.
LARRY: Getting back to real life, spit it out. Okay? When you drink...
NICK: Yeah. Don't drink too much, Mom.
LARRY: Yeah, spit...And spit it out.
CAROL: What do you mean? Nick.
LARRY: They spit it out at a wine-tasting, you know what I mean? ‘Cause, yeah. I don't want you to be lying on the bathroom floor with your head by
the bowl tonight, you know?

[At the wine-tasting]
TED: That Mouton ‘45. That was...
CAROL: Didn't you love it?
TED: Oh, that was-was like, sublime, you know?
CAROL: Yeah.
TED: And the inexpensive Spanish one. Wasn't that ...wasn't that a nice surprise?
CAROL: It was very, very...
TED: Wasn't that great?
CAROL: Yeah.
TED: Look at these paintings. Look at this.
CAROL: So, uh...
TED: I love the blue in that.
CAROL: So, Larry fixed you up with Marcia Fox, huh? His, uh...
TED: Yeah, yeah, well, you know. He's...
CAROL: His favorite writer.
TED: He says she's wonderful, and I'm...
TED: I'm trying to do everything I can to get out and meet people, you know.
CAROL: Sure.
TED: I'm-I'm not looking forward to this.
CAROL: So, you're taking her to Vincent's out in Jersey?
TED: Yeah.
CAROL: Is that what you're...
TED: I-I guess. She's not my first choice.
CAROL: No? God, look at this! Oh, that park is so beautiful.
TED: Yeah, it's great. [Pause] Of course, I can't have my first choice.
TED: I'm getting drunk. I don't know what I'm saying.
CAROL: You're getting...So am I. I don't know about this.
TED: I'm gonna be late for my shrink. I've got a...
CAROL: You've got to go, huh?
TED: Yeah.
CAROL: Okay.
TED: Well, you know, you would be my first choice.
CAROL: Me, huh?
TED: Yeah.
CAROL: Well. Oh, boy.
TED: Well, you...Can I give you a lift? Do you, uh, I'm gonna go east. Do you...
CAROL: Thanks. No, I-I think I'll stick around, I need to think. I need my...I feel a little, you know, tipsy.
TED: I didn't offend you by what I said, did I?
CAROL: No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. You didn't offend me, no, I was very, uh, flattered by this, Ted. Flattered. Well, anyway.
TED: See you later.
CAROL: See you. Oops, careful. Whoops.
TED: Sorry. Excuse me.
CAROL: Excuse me.

[Lipton's apartment]
LARRY: I got a great sweater at Brooks Brothers' today for Nick, today. Really beautiful. It's cashmere. Very expensive. The kid looked so handsome in
it, though. Also, I decided I'd cook dinner tonight. My one dish: tuna casserole.
CAROL: Well, no wonder he had her cremated.
LARRY: What?
CAROL: Mrs. House.
LARRY: Oh, Jesus. You're not about Mrs. House again. I thought we'd have a light dinner, you know, because we had a rich lunch at Twenty-One, I
CAROL: Larry.
LARRY: What?
CAROL: I just saw Mrs. House.
LARRY: What are you talking about? The ashes?
CAROL: No, no, no. A bus. It passed me, and she was on it.
LARRY: Uh, the dead woman passed you on a bus? Which bus was this, the bus to heaven?
CAROL: No, but I'm not, I'm not joking. I mean, I'm telling you something. I'm telling you, I really saw her. I actually saw her.
LARRY: Uh-huh. Uh-huh.
CAROL: Yeah.
LARRY: You want to lie down for a while? We'll put a cold compress on your head, or a hot compress on your back, or...
CAROL: No, Larry, you know, I was at the wine-tasting, right? And I was just... I was sitting at, you know, a bay window. I-I happened to look out. A
bus passed, and she was on it, Larry.
LARRY: Remember I said to you? Yes, remember I said to you, spit it out?
LARRY: I said don't drink it. You said you were going to a wine-tasting?
LARRY: You said you were going to taste wine all afternoon? I said spit it out?
CAROL: Yeah...

LARRY: I said don't swallow it? You swallowed it. And that's why you're this way.
CAROL: I know. I know. Okay. I-I... Yeah. I had a few drinks, but it's-it's not... I mean, I saw her.
LARRY: Yeah, I 'm sure you saw her.
LARRY: How could you see her? She's dead. Not only is she dead, she's been cremated. It's not even Halloween.
CAROL: Okay. Are you telling me that you... That, that, that, that you... That I didn't see her? Is that what you're saying?
LARRY: I think it's a pretty fair assumption that if a person is dead, they don't suddenly turn up in the New York City transit system.
CAROL: I just... I just don't know what's happening, Larry. I-I-I don't know what's going on.
LARRY: What's going on?
CAROL: What's... yeah.
LARRY: Let me put it this way: total psychotic breakdown. Okay? Is that enough?
LARRY: Maybe, look. Maybe she's a twin. That's possible. Now forget this.
LARRY: Taste my tuna casserole. Tell me if I put in too much hot fudge.
CAROL: Honey, you're getting so close-minded these days. I just... [The phone rings] Oh. Oh, God. [She answers] Hallo? Ted. Ted.
LARRY: Oh, Ted. Ted.
CAROL: Ted, you're not going to believe this, but, Ted, I saw Mrs. House. Yes, Mrs. House. Yeah. Mrs. The murdered woman. That's right.
LARRY: She wasn't murdered. It was a coronary. It was a coronary, folks. It was a coronary. She wasn't murdered. I don't know what they're talking
CAROL: Yeah. No, I'm sure. I'm sure I saw her. She was on a bus, you know? I mean, I-I saw her just moments after you left. I was looking out the...
LARRY: He was at the wine tasting, too. Sure, why not.
CAROL: Would you?
LARRY: They're both at the wine tasting.
CAROL: Would you really? Oh, that would be so great. You'd just run a check on Paul and Lillian House.
LARRY: Don't run a check. Don't run a check.
CAROL: What are you talking...
LARRY: Stop.
CAROL: What are you doing? I mean...
LARRY: [To Ted on the phone] Listen, could you call back later, 'cause my marriage is falling apart. [He hangs up on Ted]
CAROL: Larry, what are you... But, what?
LARRY: Forget it. Will you? If you're gonna have an affair with the guy, you don't need a murder to do it.
CAROL: I'm telling you, I saw Mrs. House.
LARRY: Yes, I know, on the bus, the dead persons' bus. No car fare.
CAROL: I s...Okay.
LARRY: Now, sit down. Let's...
CAROL: Now look. Just... I can tell you. I can show you the exact spot, Larry.
LARRY: Yeah, I'm not going to see the exact spot.
CAROL: Uh? What about lunch? Tomorrow?
LARRY: No, I've got a business lunch tomorrow. I got...
CAROL: On...on your, on your lunch hour?
LARRY: No, I got a business lunch. I'm not interested.
CAROL: Oh, God. I'm telling you...I mean, this is such a shock.
LARRY: Hm? I'm not interested. Come on, will you...
CAROL: I mean, I'm telling you, I'm just vibrating from this. I mean, I saw this woman.
LARRY: Will you eat something? We've got tickets to the theatre.
CAROL: What? Wh...I'm not going to the theatre.
LARRY: What do you mean you're not go... We've been holding onto these tickets for two months, now.
CAROL: Do you comprehend the enormity of what I'm telling you, Larry? Do you compr...
LARRY: If you got a big story, tell it to the Police. Don't tell it to me.
CAROL: What am I going to say to them?
LARRY: Tell them your story. Tell them this whole cockamamie story.
CAROL: What story? I don't have a story. I mean, I got nothing. Unl...Oh.
LARRY: That's right. That's right, you've got nothing.
CAROL: Unless...Unless I locate her.
LARRY: Yeah, okay, good. Now, will you sit down ‘cause we're going to the theater. I don't care what you say.

[In the lobby]
LARRY: Oh, Jack? Jack? You-you were there when Mrs. House died, right? You saw her?
CAROL: Right. Yeah. You saw her lying there, right?
JACK: Yes, she was lying on the floor.
CAROL: You said...Yeah, but...but you're, you-re sure it was her, right?
LARRY: Hey, he said it was lying on the floor. Right. Right. You know, I...He's sure. He's sure. He's sure.
JACK: She was in that bag. Yeah.
LARRY: My-My-My wife's been having some bad dreams, and she doesn't know what she's talking about.
CAROL: Okay, look. H...Yeah, yeah.
LARRY: Yeah, this is, this is for all the times I call you to fix the faucet, and you show up six months late.
JACK: Thanks.

[They're talking about the case at ‘Guys and dolls']
CAROL: The super is a drunk. I know, but, we've seen him smelling of Jack Daniel's, remember?
LARRY: Yeah, but...
CAROL: I mean, I know he didn't see Mrs. House, Larry.
LARRY: If she's a twin, it's a different story. But you don't seem to feel she is, so...
CAROL: Well, I don't know. Oh, I know. Unless he's in on it.
LARRY: Who's in on it? The super? The super can't change a fuse.
CAROL: I mean, she...
LARRY: What?
CAROL: Well, she's alive. And my question is, who was in that bag. I mean, somebody...
LARRY: She's not alive, unless she's a twin. Okay? Now keep quiet...
CAROL: Look, somebody c...Somebody got cremated, Larry. Somebody.
LARRY: Shut up.

[In the street]
TED: Lillian House.
CAROL: Right.
TED: Uh, maiden name, Lillian Beagle. Born in Carlyle, Pennsylvania, nineteen-thirty-five. Married Paul Richard House.
CAROL: Right, I know.
TED: She was not a twin. Had an older sister who...
CAROL: So goes Larry's theory.
TED: Uh, went to England twenty years ago, and an older brother who died in nineteen-eighty-seven.
CAROL: Right here. This is it.
TED: This is where we were.
CAROL: This is where we were. I know. And I was sitting right here, after you left.
TED: Right.
CAROL: And I was having a glass of, you kn-you know, wine, and I looked out the window, and-and I saw the...right here.
TED: You saw her after I left?

CAROL: Yes, I saw...her on a bus. It was passing. You...It was, like.
TED: Wait a minute. Are you...You're absolutely sure you saw her? You saw her face?
CAROL: I'm positive I-I saw her. Whoo. Excuse me. I-I'm telling you, Ted.
TED: What was the number of the bus?
CAROL: Uh, I don't know what the number of the bus was, but I know that it was heading west to east, so it was...it obviously was a cross-town bus.
TED: All right. Okay, look, look. It's a cross-town bus.
CAROL: Right.
TED: Okay, so look. The end of the line is a few blocks down there.
CAROL: So, okay. So, then, it's like...
TED: So, she s...She had to get off somewhere...somewhere.
CAROL: Then...Her destination was probably within the next five or six blocks.
TED: Yeah, right. So, let's, let's look around. Let's, we, we'll see some, you know, uh, like a, like a, you know...clue, or something. Or something.
Maybe we'll see her. You're sure you saw her face?
CAROL: Don't, don't doubt me, okay?
TED: Okay, okay, okay. No, no, no, no.
CAROL: I'm-I'm not kidding. Look. Oh, God. Well, I think, you know, I think we've reached the end of the line.
TED: I think this is it.
CAROL: Look. The bus.
TED: I don't think...there's noth...Watch out. Watch out.
CAROL: Yeah, what? Oh. Whoo.
TED: Yeah, look. See? See, he's turning. That's it.
CAROL: Yeah, I know.
TED: That's all there is, here.
CAROL: Well, what do you think?
RED: What?
CAROL: Do you think we should retrace our steps?
TED: You-you wear a tie with a dress. It's a...It's a very special...
CAROL: No, I don't think it looks good, and I don't even know if it looks...I mean, I feel like it'd be to masculine if I wore it with a pair of pants.
TED: Oh, it'd look great on you. No, no, just don't wear it with pants.
TED: With pants, it's-it's...what?
CAROL: Ted, look.
TED: At what? What?
CAROL: That hotel.
TED: What about it?
CAROL: Well, that's...the Waldron. I mean, I thou...I-I was in his apartment, I pressed the number...”last number dialed”, and...
TED: You're kidding.
CAROL: And they answered the phone. And said...Waldron.
TED: Let's-Let's-Let's get to a phone. Let's get to a phone. Let's call up. You got a quarter? Hallo? Mrs. House, please? Mrs.-Mrs. House. Can you ring
her room for me, please? Really?
CAROL: Well?
TED: What. Maybe...Well, maybe she checked out. No-nobody, nobody at all. Uh...What about...?
CAROL: Wh-What about...
TED: Yeah, what about, uh, Helen Moss, Moss. You're sure? Nobody...nobody at all. Alr-All right. All right, okay. I'm sorry. All right. Thank you. thank
CAROL: Great. Oh, God. It looks like it's gonna rain again. Well?

[Marcia is teaching Larry poker]
MARCIA: If I get two kings, I take one. Otherwise, I fold.
LARRY: So...
MARCIA: Got it?
LARRY: I-I never go out. I-I-I-I-I just, I can't take...I can't...
MARCIA: That's how you wind up on welfare.
LARRY: You know, I need the action, for some reason. I-I can't...I bet anything. Okay, just...
LARRY: No, no, go ahead, I trust you. Lay it on me.
MARCIA: You seem in a strange mood.
LARRY: No, no, no. I'm just probably just a little drunk.
MARCIA: On Perrier?
LARRY: No. What are you talking about? I had rum cake.
MARCIA: Want any cards?
LARRY: Uh, one second. Just let me, let me see, see what I, possibilities I got here. Uh, yeah. I'm gonna have, uh...I'll have, uh...I'm gonna have four
LARRY: Yeah.
MARCIA: Cruisin' for a bruising.
LARRY: Inside and outside straight.
MARCIA: You're in trouble, now.
LARRY: You know, I can't escape the feeling that my-my wife is becoming attracted to somebody else...and it's really bothering me.
MARCIA: Really.
LARRY: Yeah. That's why I'm not playing my best. This guy's, you know, more adventurous than I am, and for some reason they just seem to hit it off.
I'm gonna be very lonely if, uh, you know, if this happens.
MARCIA: You must love her a lot.
LARRY: Yeah, I do. I do.
MARCIA: Um...if you want to hold on to her, you have to make some effort. I mean, who's the guy?
LARRY: Uh, Ted. The guy that I fixed you up with.
LARRY: Yeah.
MARCIA: Well, we could always switch. Ted gets Carol, I can be your date.
LARRY: Maybe-Maybe I should actually make a greater effort with-with Carol.

Ce qu'on fait n'est jamais compris mais seulement loué ou blâmé. Nietzsche, Gay Science

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