Woody Allen (1935)
Manhattan Murder Mystery (3)
I love the rain, It washes the memories off the sidewalk
(Play it agqain,Sam)
All right, I'll call. Just keep ringing.
LARRY: Ask if someone went out.
CAROL: Keep ringing.
LARRY: Yeah, um. Sure, I'm gonna keep ringing. You got it.
CAROL: Oh, man.
LARRY: This is insane. What's gotten into you?
CAROL: I don't know. What is he doing? Where is this guy at
one-thirty in the morning? You know what I'm saying?
LARRY: It's not your business. He can go any place he wants.
CAROL: Hallo? Yes, hallo. This is Mrs. Lipton. Yes. Did anybody
just leave the building? I'm just...MM. You're sure? You're
sure no one? No, okay.
All right. Yes. Thank you.
LARRY: Okay. Are
CAROL: I don't believe this. Man, I don't get it.
LARRY: Now, can we back to bed?
LARRY: For crying out loud, it's no big deal. You're making a mystery where
CAROL: Just let me think about this a second. Okay, I got it. Wait. I know,
it...No, wait. Listen to me. Larry...Listen. He got on the elevator, okay?
LARRY: You know, I'm gonna...
CAROL: No, wait. No, no, listen to this. No.
LARRY: I wanna go to sleep. I don't want to be standing here in the middle of
CAROL: I know. Larry, he got on the elevator and he took it to the basement.
LARRY: Oh, great! Great! So what? Now, what've you got?
CAROL: He has a car, right? He's got the garage door key, he opened...he could...he
LARRY: So what? So what?
CAROL: What do you mean, so what? He's...
LARRY: What's the big deal? So, the next-door neighbor went out in the middle
of the night and took his car. So, he went someplace.
CAROL: All right. So, I'm right, though.
LARRY: That's all.
CAROL: I mean, I'm right.
LARRY: I mean, so you're right. So big deal.
CAROL: Yes, he isn't in his apartment.
LARRY: But this kind of right is gonna put us in the toilet. So, you're right.
CAROL: Yeah, that's right.
LARRY: It says more about your mind that about him.
CAROL: What about your rigidity? How about that?
LARRY: Get into bed. Get into bed.
CAROL: How about that point?
LARRY: You're so...What's wrong with you? Jesus.
[In the basement]
CAROL: Jack? Jack, do you think you could come upstairs today, cause I
got a leak in the kitchen?
JACK: Well, yeah. Yeah.
CAROL: You can?
CAROL: Well, but, it will be this afternoon.
JACK: But I...I got...
CAROL: All right, you're not gonna go now?
JACK: I'll be back in about a minute.
CAROL: In a minute.
JACK: Okay, just wait a second. I'll be right back.
CAROL: Yeah. Okay. All right. Oh, God.
CAROL: Ted...I'm in his apartment. The urn is missing. It's gone. Yeah, I think
it might have been. He had this satchel last night. He was carrying this
bag, and I think that might have been what he had in his satchel.
TED: Listen, I'd get out of there right away, if I were you. No, no, no. Go,
go, go. We'll do...We'll talk more from your apartment.
CAROL: He's not going snorkeling with his brother. He's got two tickets to Paris,
and he's got reservations at the Georges Cinq hotel with a woman
named Helen Moss.
[In the hallway]
NEIGHBOR: Oh. Hi. How are you?
PAUL: Good morning. How are you?
NEIGHBOR: Good. You got the notice on the...Uh, maintenance increase?
PAUL: No. When did that happen?
CAROL: I'm gonna look around and see what else I can dig up here, okay? Yeah.
I'm telling you, this is just...Ted, I-I'm just dizzy with freedom. This is
just...uh, this is just the craziest thing I've ever done.
TED: Yes, it's crazy. But soon, we'll be too old to do anything crazy. Go, leave,
PAUL: Hallo. Oh, hi. Yeah. I know. I-I...Yes, I miss you, too. I did. I made
all the arrangements. Yeah, look. I...Okay, I have to run. But I'll see you
okay? Okay. Extension five. Well, keep ringing, would you please? Cause
I just talked to her. What? Okay. Uh, will you tell her...yes, tell her that
Tom called? Tom. Thank you.
LARRY: So, I thought your rewrites were great. I really think you helped your
book, you know? It's...It's dense a little bit, but, uh...
MARCIA: Well, I don't want it to be too transparent, I mean...
LARRY: That's-That's something you're never gonna have to worry about, you know?
This book makes Finnegan's Wake look like airplane reading,
you know? But-But it's long. It's-It's-It's...
MARCIA: You know, you're the only editor in the world I'll take suggestions
from, but even you shouldn't push it.
LARRY: No, I'm not pushing it. I think the book is great. Absolutely great.
You know, but, uh...how much, how much of Dorothy is you? As I was
reading it, I kept thinking how much is...you know, how much did you base it
on your own life?
MARCIA: Well, I was a waitress. I lived with a poet. I was a film critic.
LARRY: Right, but not-not a blackjack dealer, right?
MARCIA: No, but I put myself through school playing poker.
LARRY: Oh, really? Do you still play?
MARCIA: No, but I still know how.
LARRY: Yes? Are you good?
LARRY: Yeah, cause maybe you could give me some pointers.
MARCIA: I could turn your game around in two hours.
LARRY: Could you? That's great. That's...you know, you-you have all these skills,
and you're beautiful, and you can write so well...and now it turns out
you play poker. This is, uh, too good to be true.
MARCIA: Well, I wouldn't say beautiful.
LARRY: Oh, I would.
MARCIA: But I do have tremendous sex-appeal.
LARRY: Okay, you sold me. Are-are you seeing anybody?
MARCIA: No. Don't let my confidence fool you, it's a facade. Why do you ask?
LARRY: Cause I have a friend who became single recently, and I-I know
he would get a big kick out of you.
MARCIA: Oh. So, when do you want your poker lessons?
LARRY: Uh, next week. I could take you to lunch. We could-we could, um, I'll
put you on my expense account, and you could...teach me when to...bet
and when to fold.
MARCIA: How about a cheeseburger right now?
LARRY: Now? That's a possibility. You know, we could, we could do...[Answering
the phone] Hallo. Yes? Where are you? Is everything okay? Really?
No, I could, sure. I could. Yeah. I need-I need, you know, five minutes, or
so. Okay. Yes. Yes. I know where it is. Okay, hold on. [To Marcia] I can't
do it. I have to...My wife, I have a little thing I have to do. I'll do the
cheeseburger with you next week, or something.
MARCIA: Story of my life.
[In the street]
LARRY: What do you mean, you snuck into his apartment? Are you nuts?
CAROL: Oh, stop being such a fuddy-dud.
LARRY: A fuddy-dud?
LARRY: What are you talking about? That's a crime. You can't do that. You...That's-That's
burglary and breaking and entering. But...What has gotten
into you lately? For crying out loud, save a little craziness for menopause.
CAROL: It was a cinch. I took the key and I just let myself in.
LARRY: Hey, look. Do... I don't want to... You-You'll wind up rooming with John
Gotti. You can't do that. You can't just steal the key and then go into
CAROL: Listen. He's not going snorkeling with his brother, okay? Okay?
LARRY: I don't wanna know. I don't wanna be an accessory.
CAROL: He's going to Paris, to a fancy hotel with a woman named Helen Moss.
LARRY: Tell Ted. I don't want to know. Leave me alone.
CAROL: I told Ted.
LARRY: You told Ted before you told me?
CAROL: Yeah. He's more open-minded about these things.
LARRY: Yes, I know. I'm-I'm-I'm a bore. I'm-'Cause I-'Cause I don't break the
law, you know?
LARRY: I live within the Constitution, so I'm dull.
CAROL: Listen. Perhaps he got rid of the urn, okay?
LARRY: I-I don't wanna hear. Leave me alone. Don't tell me.
CAROL: He talked on the phone with a woman.
LARRY: How do you know?
CAROL: Because he...Well, he came back while I was there, you know, so...
LARRY: He did?
CAROL: Yeah, but I hid under the bed.
LARRY: You hid under his bed?
CAROL: He didn't see me, Larry. He didn't see me at all.
LARRY: I cannot believe this. My stomach is curdling, here I...
CAROL: He was-He was very lovey-dovey with his kind of bimbo, you know? He kept
saying stuff like, you know, don't worry, it's gonna be all right.
We're gonna be together. That kind of thing.
LARRY: But what would you have done if he, if he found you out?
CAROL: I know, listen, I-I couldn't think that far ahead.
LARRY: That far ahead? You're talking two seconds.
CAROL: No, I c...
LARRY: He could have looked under the bed and there you are. What do you...
CAROL: Yeah, but...Larry, listen. And then, listen to this. He-He called this
woman back. Probably this-this Helen Moss woman, right?
LARRY: I don't wanna know. Leave me alone.
CAROL: And when he calls her back, she's not there. And then he leaves this
message, and he says: Tell her Tom called. You know what I'm saying?
Tom. Tom, Larry.
LARRY: Yeah, yeah. I...I know, I get it, his name is Paul, but I don't care.
I don't wanna hear.
CAROL: Well, okay. Well, I'll tell you. I thought I did...
LARRY: I just don't...
CAROL: I thought I did a great job, and so did Ted. I don't think a private
eye could have done any better than me. I put everything back where I found
I was very careful. I made one mistake.
CAROL: I left my reading glasses on his table.
CAROL: Oh, hallo. Hi. I-I thought I'd bring you some chocolate mousse. I know
how much you enjoyed the last dessert.
PAUL: Well, thank you.
CAROL: I thought I'd-I'd give you, you know, another shot at something really
delicious. Do you want me to serve that for you, because, you know, you
should have it while it's still fresh.
LARRY: And you can divide it up and we can all have some.
CAROL: That'd be great. That's a great idea.
LARRY: You'll really like this dessert.
PAUL: Okay, I'll get some plates for it. Wait a minute.
CAROL: Okay, that'd be really good.
LARRY: Yeah, that's great.
CAROL: Come over here. I put'em...um...right here. Right in here somewhere.
The first...Wait. I should...Uh, how-How are you doing in there? You
need...You need any help?
PAUL: No, I'm fine. I'll be right in.
CAROL: Um...Okay, great.
LARRY: Are you okay? Can-can-can-can we do anything for you?
PAUL: Coffee or tea?
CAROL: Tea. It's what...I'd like to have some tea.
PAUL: You know, I found your glasses.
PAUL: These are yours, aren't they?
CAROL: Uh, no. Yeah. Uh...No no no no no. They...They...Oh, God.
LARRY: No, no, those aren't yours. These are the same, actually. They are, aren't
they? These-These-These ones, are.
CAROL: They are actually...They're mine. Honey, they're mine. I...You know what
happened? I think the other night, I must have left them here. It's the
PAUL: Did you? I didn't notice that.
CAROL: No, no. Yeah. I know. Because, remember, you were saying that you thought
that I left them at your mother's house?
LARRY: At your mother's house.
CAROL: That's right. Of course, so...
PAUL: That mousse looks fabulous.
CAROL: Anyway, it's so good. I love mousse.
PAUL: Thank you very much.
CAROL: Hey, listen, are you looking forward to going snorkeling in the Caribbean?
PAUL: Very much. Very much.
CAROL: Uh uh.
PAUL: That's funny. I found those glasses under my bed.
CAROL: That's because I must have dropped them and they probably got kicked
LARRY: Kicked under, right, cause what she'll do, she'll drop...
CAROL: They were just...
LARRY: She'll always drop things and she'll kick them all around the house.
CAROL: They f...
PAUL: The mousse?
LARRY: She's always-She's always kick...
CAROL: Anyway, I'd love to have some mousse.
LARRY: Yes, really? Remember there was the time you kicked the mousse under
the bed in the house. Remember that? It was...
CAROL: I remember.
LARRY: It took-took six months to get the...
[In the car]
TED: Hi. I'm sorry I'm late. The traffic's murder.
CAROL: I know, but where...where are we going?
TED: I looked up, looked up Helen Moss in the phone book.
TED: It was just H. Moss.
TED: So I-it's on Bank St., Bank St. we're going to go down and do surveillance.
I got a lot whole of food. It's great. I called up this...I called this
number. [Pause] There's her house.
CAROL: Right. So we should just sit here and wait, huh?
CAROL: Okay. [Pause]
TED: Maybe he thought that if he, if he, if he divorced her, she'd-she'd hit
him for a ton of alimony. Or maybe she, maybe she controls the family
fortune. What do you think of that?
CAROL: Oh, I don't know. Yeah, maybe we're wrong, Ted. Maybe we're just, you
know...I mean, maybe she died of natural causes, like the doctor said
and we're just two people with, you know, hyperactive imaginations whose lives
need a little shot of adrenaline.
TED: Does yours? I'll tell you, mine needs something.
CAROL: Yeah? What's that, there?
TED: You want? They're jelly doughnuts. You Want a jelly doughnut?
TED: Eh? Come on. No, come on. Come on. You gotta get into it.
TED: Oh my God. Look, look, look, look, look!
CAROL: What? What? What? What?
TED: Helen! Helen! Duck, duck, duck!
CAROL: Ted! God, oh...Oh.
TED: Helen! It's not her.
CAROL: It's not her?
TED: No, it's not her. [She laughs] Wha...
CAROL: Oh, God, you really have this worked out, don't you? [Pause]
TED: I figured she'd come out and go to work, you know?
CAROL: Maybe she doesn't work. Maybe she's like...you and she has writers hours.
TED: I'm writing a play about something that happened to you and me.
CAROL: Oh, God. Oh, dear. What?
TED: Remember-Remember that time...you and...you and I and Larry and Julie were
all on that-that eating tour of France?
CAROL: Oh, God. Yeah. Yeah.
TED: And they, and then they wandered off and they forgot to pick us up? You
remember? We had to share that bed-and-breakfast place.
CAROL: Right. Do you remember those wonderful cottages?
CAROL: And I remember...that we shared a bedroom together, right?
TED: Yeah, but not a bed.
CAROL: No, not a...Well, God. You were too gentlemanly to suggest that.
TED: Well, it's not...Not that I didn't think of it.
CAROL: No. Well, I knew what was going on in your mind...'cause of the way you
kept plying me with Chateu Margaux, remember?
TED: It could have been our little secret, then you passed out.
CAROL: Well, you...Yeah, God. It seems like a long time ago, doesn't it?
TED: Not that long ago. [Pause] Look, look, look, look.
CAROL: Oh, what?
TED: Helen! Duck, duck, duck, duck, duck.
CAROL: Oh, god, yeah. Right.
TED: She didn't see us. She didn't see us.
CAROL: No? No. That's gotta be her.
TED: I'll bet it's...
CAROL: Are you sure?
TED: I mean, she answered to Helen.
CAROL: She answers to...She's pretty.
TED: Yeah, I'll say.
CAROL: She's...What is she doing? She's getting a...
TED: She's getting a cab.
CAROL: Okay, okay. Hold on.
TED: Keep-Keep down.
CAROL: Okay, don't worry. Don't worry.
TED: I'm gonna follow her.
CAROL: All right.
[At the movie house]
PAUL: Watch your step. It's very steep. Be careful.
HELEN: Oh, this is beautiful.
PAUL: Isn't it?
PAUL: Well, we
only show revivals now. This week, we have Fred Astaire. Next week, we have
an Orson Welles festival.
HELEN: Oh, yeah?
PAUL: Yeah, it'll be about the last thing we do before we start renovating.
HELEN: Mm. Oh, Paul, I...
PAUL: Oh, come on, there's nobody around.
PAUL: Come on.
HELEN: Okay. [They kiss] I've never been behind a movie screen before like this.
PAUL: Strange, isn't it?
PAUL: Used to be a first-run house when the neighborhood was better.
PAUL: Beautiful, huh? Look around.
HELEN: All these mirrors.
PAUL: Huh? Well, it used to be all mirrors, and it was quite beautiful. I'm
having all this broken glass replaced as we go along with this renovation. You
know, they used to have stage shows, here. Now, of course, we only show old
HELEN: It has such a lonely feeling.
PAUL: That's cause I'm the only one here. And my assistant, Mrs. Dalton.
I'm gonna have this place fixed up, then I'm gonna sell it. The money's
gonna come in handy.
HELEN: It sure will.
PAUL: What's that noise?
PAUL: Oh, Mrs. Dalton. I didn't know you were here so early.
MRS.DALTON: Oh, uh, I-I didn't know whether an-anyone was here. I-I'm sorry.
I-I-I heard the noise and I thought...
PAUL: It's quite all right.
MRS.DALTON: But, but, uh...
PAUL: It's quite all right.
MRS.DALTON: I apologize.
PAUL: Quite all right.
MRS.DALTON: All right.
HELEN: I'd love to really get an acting job. I had it with this modeling.
PAUL: Maybe you won't have to work at all.
CAROL: Oh, my God.
LARRY: What's the matter?
CAROL: Larry, come with me, okay?
LARRY: Oh, Geez, I was...
CAROL: Come on.
LARRY: I was fast asleep. I was dreaming of round card girls.
CAROL: Okay. Uh, it looks like he's gone. Yeah. Yeah. He's gone.
LARRY: Oh, Christ. Not that again. Please, you know...
CAROL: Listen, Larry. I want to take another look around his apartment. Yeah.
LARRY: What are you talking about? Where're you going?
LARRY: It's-It's one o'clock in the morn...
CAROL: He'll never be back, Larry.
LARRY: What? What?
CAROL: No, he's not coming back. Not for at least an hour, an hour and a half.
LARRY: What-What're you doing?. You got his key?
LARRY: You're kidding. What are you talking about? You can't do...Why, cause
you-you followed him to the movie house, you-you said there was
CAROL: No, wait a minute, look, he was with this young model type, and they
were talking about money.
LARRY: Well, so what? That's the...
CAROL: So, that's the motive.
LARRY: What...Hey, listen to me. Come here.
CAROL: What are you talking about?
LARRY: Come here. Wait a minute. Come here. Look, look.
CAROL: Come here. What do you mean, Larry?
LARRY: I've been thinking about you.
CAROL: What do you mean?
LARRY: I think you gotta see...I gotta...You gotta, you gotta go back to your
CAROL: What do you m...
LARRY: I want you to see Doctor Ballard again.
CAROL: Huh? Larry, I went for two years.
LARRY: I'm s...Yeah. I know. But you...
CAROL: Just come...come on.
LARRY: You know how General Motors will recall defective cars? Well, you gotta
go in for a tune-up.
CAROL: Larry, we'll be in and out in five minutes.
LARRY: You got...No. No.
CAROL: Five. Only five.
LARRY: I...What...I'm telling you, I'm your husband. I command you to sleep!
CAROL: Well, I didn't...
LARRY: Sleep! I command it!
CAROL: No, I...
LARRY: I command it! Sleep!
CAROL: Larry, all I can tell you is, if this had been a few years ago, you would
have been doing the same thing. Cause if you recall, we solved a
mystery. Yep, we solved a mystery once. Remember? It was the-it was the noises
in the attic mystery.
LARRY: Uh, yes. The country house. The bluebird. I know.
CAROL: That's right. So...
LARRY: But that, though, was a sweet mystery. This is murder.
CAROL: This...Wh...You agree, right? It's murder, Larry? So, I'm right.
LARRY: No, I...Yeah, look, no, I-I forbid you! I forbid you to go! It's a-a...I'm
forbidding! Is that what you do when I forbid you? If-If that's what
you...I'm not going to be forbidding you a lot, if you do...
qu'on fait n'est jamais compris mais seulement loué ou blâmé.
Nietzsche, Gay Science