Woody Allen (1935)
Manhattan Murder Mystery (2)
I love the rain, It washes the memories off the sidewalk
(Play it agqain,Sam)
I'd have the police after her so fast, it'd make her
They'd put her through the wringer. And brother, the
things they would squeeze out.
They haven't got a single thing to go on, Keyes.
Oh, not too much. Just twenty-six year experience...
All the percentage there is, and this hunk of concrete
in my stomach.
[In the street]
CAROL: God, that movie was great, wasn't it?
LARRY: Yeah, I I...it was one of my favorites.
CAROL: I loved it.
LARRY: It just...they were all so wonderful, in the picture.
CAROL: You know, who could we fix Ted up with? I mean, there must be somebody
in your office.
LARRY Well, I don't know. Ted...I always thought Ted had a crush on you.
LARRY: Yeah. Why are you so stunned? I think that...
CAROL: Please. I mean, you know, I adore him, but you know, he's like a girlfriend
LARRY: Uh. Now he's divorced, you know?
CAROL: Do I detect a note of jealousy?
NEIGHBOR: I had to come up here and call nine-one-one.
NEIGHBOR: So what's the trouble?
NEIGHBOR: Oh, is that the-that the E.M.S.
NEIGHBOR: That guy's so excited.
NEIGHBOR: The doctor and the E.M.S.
LARRY: What's the matter? What's going on? What happened?
NEIGHBOR: She had a heart attack.
CAROL: Oh my God.
NEIGHBOR: Sh-She's dead.
LARRY: She-she's dead?
NEIGHBOR: They're giving Mr. House a sedative right now. He's running around
NEIGHBOR: I called E.M.S. and they got here as soon as they could, but it was
LARRY: Sh-We just met her last night.
NEIGHBOR: Awful, just awful.
LARRY: What happened?
DOCTOR: Well, it was a classic coronary. She just went like that.
CAROL: Is there anything we can do?
LARRY: Oh, my God.
DOCTOR: You can be good neighbors. You know, we calmed him down, uh...
LARRY: Th-Th-Th-The first time we saw them was last night. We just met them.
W-We had...They invited us in for coffee.
NEIGHBOR: Such a...S...Such a nice lady.
NEIGHBOR: Nice lady.
NEIGHBOR: Sweet person.
[In the street]
CAROL: God, okay.
LARRY: You look wonderful.
CAROL: Oh, hallo.
CAROL: Hi, Mr. House, so...sorry.
PAUL: Thank you so much for those wonderful flowers.
PAUL: It was quite nice of you.
LARRY: If there's anything we can do. You know, anything you need, just tell
us and we'll...
CAROL: No, anything. Anything at all. I mean, God, it's just such a shock when
anyone...It was just so sudden. I mean, she seemed so...God, well,
PAUL: She had a heart condition.
CAROL: She did? She never mentioned it...It...that she was...
PAUL: She wouldn't have.
CAROL: No. Right. Well...
LARRY: If there's anything we can do.
CAROL: Yeah, anything. Really.
LARRY: You know, if you need anything, if you are lonely, come by. You know.
PAUL: Thank you. You know, you owe me a wonderful French dessert.
CAROL: Oh, no, no, no. I know, I haven't forgotten. Believe me, I haven't forgotten.
PAUL: Well, have a nice time. You seem all gussied up.
CAROL: Yeah. Oh, I know. We're going to the opera.
PAUL: Oh, enjoy.
LARRY: My favorite, my favorite.
LARRY: Come, we're gonna be late.
[Leaving the Metropolitan Opera House]
CAROL: The deal was, I sit through the ice hockey game and you watch the whole
LARRY: I can't listen to that much Wagner, you know. I start to get the urge
to conquer Poland.
SY: I'll tell you something. I think it's weird. I mean, listen to this. One
night she's having coffee, and the next night they are carrying her out in a
CAROL: Oh, I know, I know. And she did not look like she was ready to go.
TED: Maybe this guy killed her, you know? Like, he's got, like, a young tootsie
stashed someplace, or something.
LARRY: No, no, not this...you gotta, you gotta see this guy. This guy gets his
jollies from licking the back of postage stamps. He's a-a boring old...
TED: Well, I can see that. Yeah, depending on whose picture is on the stamp.
CAROL: She never once mentioned that she had a heart condition.
LARRY: Well, what is she gonna say? Oh, yeah, hello, I'm Mrs. House and I have
a bad heart.
CAROL: Well, she had no problem telling me about her hysterectomy in the first
SY: It is much easier to talk about a hysterectomy than it is to talk about
a heart condition.
TED: You said she liked...she liked eating high cholesterol desserts. Is that
what you said?
LARRY: So, she had one too many.
CAROL: No. No! She wasn't on a diet. We discussed diets.
LARRY: So she wasn't on a diet. But...
TED: This would be a really great way to kill somebody.
TED: You clog their arteries with whipped cream, chocolate mousse, butter. They
go like that.
SY: That's great.
LARRY: I like a...It's disgusting.
TED: you know what I mean?
LARRY: It's disgusting, but a...It's fatal.
TED: Wouldn't that be great?
MARILYN: I'd like to French-pastry myself to death right now.
SY: I'll help you.
MARILYN: I really would.
SY: All right.
MARILYN: In fact, I'd like another piece of pie, right after this. Do I dare?
I like yours better than this.
TED: Are you gonna start a restaurant? Are you serious about that?
MARILYN: You really should. you're a great cook.
TED: Cause, if you do, count me in. I wanna be part of that. Really.
MARILYN: You should.
CAROL: No. Well, I don't know. I mean, you...Are you serious?
TED: Yeah. Oh, oh, God, it'd be wonderful.
LARRY: What are you encouraging her for? It's so...
TED: She's great. She's a great cook.
LARRY: I know, but...
CAROL: Well, it's thanks to you, actually. I mean, it was his idea. The cooking
lessons, so I mean...
TED: Yes, I had...
SY: Yes, but a restaurant is a serious business. I mean, you just can't take
that lightly. You can't be cavalier about a restaurant.
CAROL: I'm not being cavalier about it.
LARRY: Do you know how time-consuming it is? Yeah. You have to be there every
LARRY: You'd be stuck there, you know.
TED: Wait. Look, look.
LARRY: They steal from, if you're not...You gotta be hap...
CAROL: But it's bi...it's what I do. It's-It's what I do, Larry.
TED: She'll cook...She's great. She's-She's a pro. She's a pro. She'll be cooking...
She'll be cooking in the kitchen. I'll be at the front, running the joint
like Rick, you know, in Casablanca.
SY: It's not that easy.
MARILYN: You do it anyway. Right as well get paid for it.
LARRY: Right. Directs...
TED: I'm set, I'm serious about it. I don't...I mean, it's not like a hobby.
I mean, it's gotta be a serious thing.
SY: I'll be the first customer.
LARRY: You know, I was thinking of fixing Ted up with Helen Dubin. You know,
I figured they would just, you know, get into an argument over penis
envy, or something.
LARRY: The poor guy suffers from it so...
CAROL: Did he seem a little too cheerful?
LARRY: No, he seemed like his regular self to me, but-but, uh, when you brought
up the notion of the restaurant... the guy lit up like Mr. Glowworm.
CAROL: The restaurant?
LARRY: Yeah. He sees himself as, uh, you know, as Humphrey Bogart in Casablanca.
I-I see him more as Peter Lorre, wringing his hands.
CAROL: No, no, no. No, no, no. I mean, Mr. House, Mr. House. Didn't seem a little
too cheerful to you?
LARRY: Mr. House, our next-door widower?
CAROL: Yes. Yes. I mean, there's...Well, you know. I mean, didn't he seem too
compose for a man whose wife just died. Don't you think?
LARRY: Well, Jesus. What do you want the guy to do, walk down the street sobbing
CAROL: Well, I don't know. All I know is, they were supposedly looking forward
to their, you know...anniversary, and, and, and, you know, uh-uh, i-i-if
I suddenly dropped dead...wouldn't you sob for months, or-or years, if I...You
LARRY: Hey, don't make those kind of jokes, okay? I don't like those remarks.
And, meanwhile, I'm the guy who needs a physical check-up.
CAROL: Oh, I don't know.
LARRY: Uh, uh.
CAROL: I mean, to me he just seemed a little too perky. You know? Now, suddenly
he wants his French desserts, and, Have a nice time, you know, at
the opera. And, my God, We're certainly dressed up. I mean,
you know. This guy should be a wreck.
LARRY: Right. Meanwhile, I can't get the-the Flying Dutchman theme out of my
mind, you know? Remind me tomorrow to buy up all the Wagner
records in town and rent a chainsaw.
CAROL: Helen Dubin's wrong for Ted.
CAROL: She's too mousey.
LARRY: Well, he's a little mousey, too. They could have their little rodent
time. They can eat cheese together. Oh, Christ. Hallo? Yes. Yes, of....Yes,
course you woke us. You know, not everybody's up at one o'clock in the morning
watching the porn channel. I'll put her on.
CAROL: Who is it?
LARRY: Ted. For you.
CAROL: Ted, hi.
TED: I figured out how he killed her and made it look like a coronary. He gagged
her and tied her to the treadmill, and then he turned the exercise
program up to the Olympic levels.
CAROL: No, no. You know, I mean, I just think this guy is too perky. You know,
I mean he's not acting like a man whose beloved of twenty-eight years
died just a few days ago.
LARRY: Jesus, are you onto that? My God, I thought you were just joking.
CAROL: Yeah, I know.
LARRY: Let me speak to him, all right?
CAROL: What? Oh. Here. Just a sec. Here's Larr...
LARRY: Hey, listen. She was not murdered. She...she had a heart attack. It was
a coronary. There was a doctor there. He said to....He was an old man.
TED: How do you know it was a real doctor?
LARRY: I'm not gonna touch that. I'm tired. I want to go to sleep. Look...
TED: Wait-wait-wait a minute, wait a minute, put Carol back on, I called about
something else. Listen, I know a great location for a restaurant.
[At the restaurant]
TED: Hah, look at this. Isn't this great?
CAROL: Well, it's dark.
TED: Aren't these walls great? You know, like you have to go through a little
CAROL: Oh, I see.
TED: And then you come out, to this here.
CAROL: Oh, look at this though. It's really so beautiful.
TED: Yeah. Isn't it great?
CAROL: But...it's kind out of the way for a restaurant, isn't it?
TED: No, no...that's the appeal. That's just the appeal, because it's...it's,
I mean it's so romantic,...tucked away back in here like this.
TED: And, you don't want street traffic. You want...
TED: you want a little out of the way spot that people hear about and lovers
TED: It takes months to take a reservation, you know? Very few tables.
CAROL: You know, you've really thought this out.
TED: Oh, well, I used to come here all the time with-with July, when we were
CAROL: Uh uh. Right.
TED: Used to walk around here. Really beautiful at night. It's gorgeous at night.
CAROL: It's beautiful, I bet.
TED: I used to think, What am I doing here with July? We don't love each
other any more, you know? It made the moment doubly poignant.
PAUL: Hi. How are you?
CAROL: Hi. How are you?
PAUL: Oh, my...
CAROL: These are my floating islands. I hope you like meringue.
PAUL: I love it. Come on in, come on in.
CAROL: Well, okay.
PAUL: This is unbelievable.
CAROL: I know, it's just...
PAUL: Did you do it?
CAROL: I did do it. I told you. Anyway, this has got...this is vanilla sauce
here and I put little chocolate truffles.
PAUL: Well, come on in. Would you share it with me?
LARRY: Oh, no. She made these just for you. This is...
CAROL: Oh, well...
PAUL: No, no, no, it's too much for one. I'll I make some coffee. Please.
LARRY: They're only half a dozen.
CAROL: No, no, no. Look, I'll make the coffee. That'd be better. Let me make
PAUL: Oh, you've already done so much.
CAROL: No, no. I insist, I insist. Go on, sit down, relax.
PAUL: Aren't you nice.
CAROL: Enjoy yourself, you've been through enough.
LARRY: She worked on those for... How're you holding up?
PAUL: Oh, I don't know. I was thinking after a while. I'd get away from here.
From this place and all its memories.
LARRY: Uh uh, so you have someone to go with, or are you...
PAUL: I have a brother in Florida.
LARRY: Oh, really?
PAUL: I'm hoping he can get away for a while.
LARRY: Good. It's a good idea.
PAUL: Do you like snorkeling?
LARRY: Snorkeling? No, no. I get nervous when brightly colored fish are staring
at me face to face, you know.
PAUL: Hey, I've got some stamps I wanted to show you.
LARRY: Oh, stamps. Well, that's...
PAUL: Come on, look at these.
PAUL: This is very delicious.
CAROL: Thank you.
PAUL: You are an artist.
CAROL: Well, thanks very much. Uh, was it a large...funeral?
PAUL: Oh, no. We had...very few friends, no family.
CAROL: Right. Just a simple affair, uh? Well, they're the best, aren't they?
CAROL: I guess. Anyway, then you're laid the rest, and, you know, I was just...
where, um, where are the twin cemetery plots? We...'cause, we were
thinking that that was just such a romantic idea. Weren't we, Larry? You know?
Larry? You remember when we were talking about the twin
cemetery plots and, you know, how kind of romantic that is? Remember?
LARRY: Uh-huh. Yes, yes. We were. We were spending the eternity with the beloved.
I sound like...I sound like one of those guys, now.
CAROL: Yes but, I was just wondering where, um, where is the cemetery?
PAUL: Oh, it's...uh, in...uh, it's in Nyack. We used to summer there occasionally.
LARRY: What was all that stuff about twin cemetery plots?
CAROL: Listen, Larry.
LARRY: You know? I mean, we-we never discussed it at all, but I knew that you
were trying to tell me something, so I picked up on it quickly.
LARRY: But I...You know, we...
CAROL: Okay, just... I was in the kitchen okay? And I was making the coffee.
There were no beans, so, I was looking in his cupboards, just to see, you
know, and I came across this urn, okay? And I opened it and there were ashes
LARRY: Ashes? Funeral ashes? Did you wash your hands?
CAROL: Larry, he had her cremated!
LARRY: How did you know it was her, for Christ's sake? They were ashes. What,
did they resemble Mrs. House?
CAROL: Oh, and who else would it be, okay?
LARRY: Anybody. Could it be, an associate, an old relative, his accountant,
his cat. Who knows?
CAROL: Right, right. Hidden, uh? Hidden away?
LARRY: What do you mean? Th-th-the guy didn't do anything.
CAROL: Look, Larry. All I know is he lied, okay? He lied.
LARRY: Look. Maybe-.maybe-maybe he is embarrassed. Maybe he didn't want to spend
eternity next to the beloved, so he-he told us that-uh...You
know, what's the difference? Who are you calling?
LARRY: Oh, Jesus. Leave the guy alone. You know, he-he...he's a poor widower,
he wants to go on a vacation or something.
CAROL: Yeah. Where? Oh, I know where, ah ah. Snorkeling, right? Ah ah.
LARRY: So what? Different strokes. You know, he has fun, uh, sitting at the
bottom of the water, face to face with squid.
CAROL: Oh, I know. I know. What about this? What if they had a big insurance
policy, or something like that, huh?
LARRY: Too much Double indemnity, you know?
CAROL: Hu-Huh. Hi. Yeah. Hi, it's me. Listen, we were just in our neighbor's
apartment, right? Yeah. And get this. I came across an urn with ashes in
it. Only he says he had his wife buried.
TED: That's what you do if you don't want an autopsy. You don't want something
discovered, you know? Like-like poison.
CAROL: Mm. Right. They'd have detected poison, wouldn't they?
TED: Uh, I don't know. There's a lot of different kinds of exotic poisons, you
CAROL: Yeah, but why would he...Why would he be lying? I mean, why-why whould
he lie at all?
LARRY: Jesus, you're up to poisons already. You guys are slipping into a mad
CAROL: Yeah. Oh, would you do that? C...That'd be great. Cause, you know,
I'm not good at that kind of thing, okay? All right. Okay. Well, I'll talk to
you later. Okay, bye.
LARRY: Let's go to bed. Could we go to bed, now?
CAROL: Hey, I'm not tired.
LARRY: What do you mean, You're not tired?
CAROL: You know, Ted's gonna check with the funeral home, tomorrow.
CAROL: You know what I mean? I mean, I don't understand why you're not, not
more fascinated with this. We could be living next door to a murderer,
LARRY: Well, New York is a melting pot. You know, get used to it.
CAROL: Oh my God.
LARRY: Hey, are you okay?
CAROL: Larry. Larry, I heard a noise. I-I-I heard a noise in the hallway, so
I just...I...You know, I-I looked and I think...I think Mr. House was getting
LARRY: Yeah? You're sure?
CAROL: Yeah, you know, I was...I'm-I'm... almost certain that it was him.
LARRY: So-So-So what?
CAROL: Just, you know...I mean, who else could it be?
LARRY: So what? It's not a crime. He can get on the elevator.
CAROL: I know. I know. But wh-who would it be at one-thirty in the morning?
LARRY: Oh, Jesus.
I was in a deep sleep. What-What's the difference?
CAROL: But, you mean, you know how we're always complaining about living on
the geriatric floor. Do you know what I'm saying? A joke?
LARRY: All right, so it was Mr. House. So he got on the elevator. It's not a
felony. The guy pays rent. He's entitled. I mean, what...Can you go back to
bed? This is crazy. You woke me up out of a deep sleep. I gotta get up early
CAROL: I know what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna ring him up. I'm gonna ring his apartment.
I'm gonna see if he's home.
LARRY: You're gonna ring Mr. House, now?
CAROL: Yes, because this is really...
LARRY: What are you talking about?
CAROL: It's very sus...
LARRY: Don't ring Mr...What are you doing? No, don't ring...
CAROL: Let me just...Larry, don't. Wait.
LARRY: Don't ring Mr. house. This is a widower. Leave the poor guy alone. You're
crazy. Stop it.
CAROL: That's one ring.
LARRY: So you saw him go out. It's not a-not a crime.
CAROL: Okay, two rings. He's not there, yet.
LARRY: Give me this. Give me this.
CAROL: What are you doing?
LARRY: Look, if you want to find out if somebody left, just call downstairs.
Call the-the-the person at the desk.
qu'on fait n'est jamais compris mais seulement loué ou blâmé.
Nietzsche, Gay Science